It's been quite a long time since I kept any sort of a journal. Back in my high school days, when disco was king to some and despised by many, I was diligent about journaling thanks to the insistence of an English teacher, but when the school year ended so did the journal. Since then, I have very seldom put my rambling thoughts on paper...I did resurrect the habit for a few months a few years ago, as part of a catharsis after some upsetting events, but that effort ended when my audience left. I have a travel journal that I update after an overseas vacation, but seldom otherwise. For all intents, my days of keeping a journal have been dead for the last few decades.
Today, I've decided it is time, again, to start the journal.
Part of the motivation to resume writing is that I am at a crossroads in my life. I've recently given notice at my employer, and my last day of employment is two and a half weeks from now. Unlike most employees departing a company, however, I don't have another job lined up; instead, I'll be returning to college in pursuit of a Master's degree, one which is not related to either my Bachelor's degree or my line of work for the last 25 years. I'll fill in the details behind this...who I am, what I have done, what I want to do next...in upcoming posts, but for now that detail is less important than recording the emotional ups and downs of the last few years. The key point at this time is simply to understand that a middle-aged man is quitting a reasonably well-paying job in a sluggish economy with no alternative employment in place, choosing instead to pursue a new degree in a new field with no guarantee of employment. Sounds a bit insane.
I've heard it said before that love and hate are essentially the same emotion. I'm not certain if I understand the full psychological meaning behind this, but I do have at least some insight into what it means. To hate somebody or to love somebody requires, in both cases, a strong feeling or at a minimum caring for the person, one way or the other. Neither love nor hate exist with indifference.
By giving notice at my job under the circumstances outlined above, it's fairly obvious that I harbored strong emotions about it. Indeed, what I felt was anger and bitterness for working in a company whose leaders rule through degradation, fear and intimidation. In my entire career, I have never been employed in an environment more degrading than the one I am leaving. The hatred I felt for the place was palpable to the point it was causing medical issues for me: high blood pressure, depression, stress, essentially all of the emotions we do not want to feel. What was shocking to me, however, was that within a few days of giving notice, my feelings of hatred and anger subsided; the Sisyphean kings who called themselves leaders no longer had any control over me. The injustice was, and is, still there, but I no longer felt anything towards the company. My previous dream of a scathing exit interview, in which I tell the HR representative all of the misdeeds of the company, no longer meant anything to me. It's not worth the rise it would cause in my blood pressure. When I gave notice, the emotional bond was cut, and I no longer cared for the company one way or the other.
A number of colleagues who know of my plans have told me they are "bold." While I feel honored by what I perceive as a complement, I disagree with the notion that what I am doing now is "bold." I consider a bold job to be what I did as a very young adult: Flying on reconnaissance missions against the Soviet Union during the Cold War, in the days when they were the "Evil Empire." What I am doing now--quitting a reasonably well paying job to go back to college and study something of interest to me--is not bold. Truthfully, I am ashamed it has taken me this long to decide to do so. That young nineteen-year-old who enlisted in the US Air Force knew enough to trust his gut and do what was meaningful. With successes in my life since then, however, I have become safe and complacent, accepting a decent paycheck in exchange for my soul, in a very real sense whoring myself out for financial security. Abandoning that isn't bold, it's simply a life change that is long overdue.
I know this is disjointed, and that actually is by design. I don't want to paint a concrete, chronological picture at this time. The rambling, scenic route will make more sense as it unfurls.
It feels good to be writing again.
Today, I've decided it is time, again, to start the journal.
Part of the motivation to resume writing is that I am at a crossroads in my life. I've recently given notice at my employer, and my last day of employment is two and a half weeks from now. Unlike most employees departing a company, however, I don't have another job lined up; instead, I'll be returning to college in pursuit of a Master's degree, one which is not related to either my Bachelor's degree or my line of work for the last 25 years. I'll fill in the details behind this...who I am, what I have done, what I want to do next...in upcoming posts, but for now that detail is less important than recording the emotional ups and downs of the last few years. The key point at this time is simply to understand that a middle-aged man is quitting a reasonably well-paying job in a sluggish economy with no alternative employment in place, choosing instead to pursue a new degree in a new field with no guarantee of employment. Sounds a bit insane.
I've heard it said before that love and hate are essentially the same emotion. I'm not certain if I understand the full psychological meaning behind this, but I do have at least some insight into what it means. To hate somebody or to love somebody requires, in both cases, a strong feeling or at a minimum caring for the person, one way or the other. Neither love nor hate exist with indifference.
By giving notice at my job under the circumstances outlined above, it's fairly obvious that I harbored strong emotions about it. Indeed, what I felt was anger and bitterness for working in a company whose leaders rule through degradation, fear and intimidation. In my entire career, I have never been employed in an environment more degrading than the one I am leaving. The hatred I felt for the place was palpable to the point it was causing medical issues for me: high blood pressure, depression, stress, essentially all of the emotions we do not want to feel. What was shocking to me, however, was that within a few days of giving notice, my feelings of hatred and anger subsided; the Sisyphean kings who called themselves leaders no longer had any control over me. The injustice was, and is, still there, but I no longer felt anything towards the company. My previous dream of a scathing exit interview, in which I tell the HR representative all of the misdeeds of the company, no longer meant anything to me. It's not worth the rise it would cause in my blood pressure. When I gave notice, the emotional bond was cut, and I no longer cared for the company one way or the other.
A number of colleagues who know of my plans have told me they are "bold." While I feel honored by what I perceive as a complement, I disagree with the notion that what I am doing now is "bold." I consider a bold job to be what I did as a very young adult: Flying on reconnaissance missions against the Soviet Union during the Cold War, in the days when they were the "Evil Empire." What I am doing now--quitting a reasonably well paying job to go back to college and study something of interest to me--is not bold. Truthfully, I am ashamed it has taken me this long to decide to do so. That young nineteen-year-old who enlisted in the US Air Force knew enough to trust his gut and do what was meaningful. With successes in my life since then, however, I have become safe and complacent, accepting a decent paycheck in exchange for my soul, in a very real sense whoring myself out for financial security. Abandoning that isn't bold, it's simply a life change that is long overdue.
I know this is disjointed, and that actually is by design. I don't want to paint a concrete, chronological picture at this time. The rambling, scenic route will make more sense as it unfurls.
It feels good to be writing again.
